The Still, Quiet Road

       --A Quick Backstory--

       For the last two years I have been serving in at least three different ministries on campus at GFU as well as commuting 1.5 hrs a day to and from campus and taking a full load of classes. In short, my life has been BUSY. These years have also held a difficult and incredibly stretching armada of experiences through a relationship, friendships, the fuzzy line between the two, and the overall reality of becoming an adult with all that entails...whether I want to or not.

       If there's a way to get through this without wounds, I haven't found it. Dishonesty, inconsistency, mixed-messages, and the abuse of my trust have all left their marks on me from the various pages of my most recent chapter. Right now...to be honest? As deeply and intensely as I desire the beauty and oneness of marriage, I'm afraid to get close to it. Afraid to let my heart out into the line-of-fire again. Hesitant to open that piece of my heart to someone because I don't know if a girl will love me or pull the pin and toss in a frag or two. It's even made me wonder IF any girl could truly love ME, Seth Stanley, just for who I am and just because she does...

       Now, there are other instances and examples, but that's the one that's the deepest I can see at the moment.

       Why do I bring this up and bear this honesty? And how does it tie into the first two sentences of this post? Well...It's beginning to be revealed to me that I think I've been suppressing and drowning these wounds more than letting God work in them. I feel so much better about myself when I'm serving people, so that's what I've been doing...going crazy in ministry. Now, all that I've been involved in has bore much fruit and has been a great blessing to me and those that have told me so...but that doesn't mean I'm not stuffing stuff down with it as well.

       --Ok, so Today...--

       I applied to be a Student Chaplain for a living area on campus next year. I thought this would be a great opportunity to disciple and put all of my "Perspectives" course learning and the past couple years of difficulties and triumphs to help others. To be honest, I was pretty much positive I'd get it. Well...today I got the email. And guess what...

       Yep, I didn't get it. I was a little bit shocked, really. I thought God had led me through this long process with many conversations, and a weeding out of the possibilities for next year that finally got me to applying for this specific position...and the door is locked. What? It was all so clear to me 3 days ago! What happened?

       Shortly after receiving the email, I called with a dear sister and friend of mine in a state of confusion with very few words to say. She knows what I mentioned above, as well as plenty other things. This isn't word for word, but in essence she said, "Seth. Maybe this is a time for you to slow down. To let yourself be ministered to. To let yourself be healed. These wounds won't go away if you keep pouring yourself out in ministries. Everywhere you go, you are always doing the ministering and leading. You're never allowing yourself to be the recipient of grace, mercy, love, healing, wholeness...You're too busy to let others pour out into you."

       Nailed me. I've grown up being so against selfishness that it has become self-neglect. I've become SO good at pushing away my needs and meeting other peoples. Now, that's good to an extent. But the extent I've taken it? Quite unhealthy if sustained.I know this needs to change...will change.

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       The next chapter? Well, I don't know for certain, but it looks like it may be a still, quiet road ahead. My hyperactive servantheart may not want to admit it...but something about that sounds really... *exhaaale*

Nice.

Proverbs 24:10 - Adversity

"If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small."

- Proverbs 24:10

       I ran across this verse today, and it really struck me. It's so simple. No cryptic meanings or deep theological understanding needed here. If you can't stand up when it gets rough, you don't have strength--you're weak. I know I'm stating the incredibly obvious, but strength is the antithesis of weakness. If one exists, the other doesn't.

       I have been facing spiritual adversity in temptation, worrying about the future, and not trusting God fully to provide a way for me to accomplish what He has for me to do in His Kingdom. I have not been a very good warrior, finding myself crouching and hiding behind my shield rather than utilizing every piece of the Armor of God. Now, it's not that I'm fainting so-to-speak, but my first reactions lately definitely haven't been that of a calm, collected, and heart-at-peace person...

       I don't love my major, and SO many of my friends love theirs. It's unsettling, like I feel I have to find something I love to do in life and get a major in it or else I'm in the wrong place. After meeting with a career councilor she was able to help clear my head and keep my goal the Bachelor's Degree and not necessarily what it's IN (Chemistry), especially since I plan on going for my Masters of Arts in Teaching anyway. But I've been quick to worry....and slow to trust that I'm following in God's footsteps and hearing correctly.

       I'm single. I'm not really very happy about that. But I know God has me here for specific reasons and I want to reap the fruit of the harvest in this valuable stage of life. Here I can learn to be a warrior and follow God's leading more directly and fine-tune my spiritual senses in order to become the best boyfriend, best friend, and best husband I can be to my some-day Love. (*sings* "Waitin' for my some-day giiirrrlll") Friends left and right (and up and down and inside out and backwards and...well you get the picture) are getting engaged or into serious relationships...a dream I had a while back explained it well. I saw two conveyer belts with girls on one and boys on another (friends and people I know). These were feeding onto one larger conveyer belt and they were getting paired up 2 by 2. But I, I wasn't even on the boy conveyer belt, I was sitting on the side, watching it all go by. That kinda sums up how I've felt at George Fox....

       Patience! Patience patience patience. I've found myself wanting to try to make something happen, but knowing that's hopeless and a stupid waste of time. Some day things will fall into place and a girl that blows my mind in every single way will become mine to love and protect and serve...and if I want to succeed there, I have to succeed HERE. Right now. Where I am. No matter where that is.

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       Adversity WILL come. This I know for sure. But I am not alone. And I will succeed.