I've been heavy the last few weeks, and maybe for quite some time. Recently, I've been feeling that a part of it stems from caring about what other people think of me. At Bible study, I prayed for more clarity in this...I think I'm beginning to get it.
My heart is searching for a woman's mark of approval. This mark means that I am: Godly enough, strong enough, handsome enough, smart enough, responsible enough, ________ enough...to be seen as desirable, worth dating, loving, respecting, and mutually surrendering to. I see other men (friends of mine) in healthy relationships and the incredible burning love that sets ablaze the eyes of their beloved ladies when these Godly women simply look at them. (Here is my logic:) Obviously, they've got the above-mentioned list, and therefore, since no woman loves me like that or sees me that way, I obviously don't have them.
This wound began in my first, and only, real serious relationship. It suffices to say that she brought in a lot of baggage (that she was the victim (emotionally) of) that I was too naive to fully comprehend, and it made it impossible for her to be able to move forward and love me. No matter how perfect I tried to be or how well I did whatever, it wasn't enough. This does NOT mean she's to blame, by no means. It's what the situation was and God used it to heal her and mature me exponentially. However I did not walk away from it unwounded. Fast-forward to another deterred hope and hand of God moving in a different direction than I had personally wanted, as well as a few random "unsuccessful" (whatever that means.. *rolls eyes*) coffee dates, and you've got yourself a basis for feeling denied and um...undesirable in the feminine eye.
I have come to understand this is a complete lie and holds no validity...wow, this thing's roots are stubborn, and possibly deep. The second I typed "no validity", something inside me went "Actually, there might be just even a liiiiittle bit of validity." But just because it has been identified doesn't mean the fight is over. This is only the first step.
God I pray you would reveal more to me in Your timing regarding this wound you're beginning to speak to me about. Please train me to move beyond this mindset and stand strong as a Godly man that will seek You first above all else...A man who finds his worth, strength, dignity, honor, and ability to lead and love a precious daughter of the King, in You and You alone.
